I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
#JohnTravolta
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream