My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
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I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
The French cow says MEUX…
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*aggressively waits in line*
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Sex so good you see dead people.