Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
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I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Wait for it
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
don’t be scared
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.