i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
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DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay