Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
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Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]