If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
What number SPF blocks people?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.