To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair