I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
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Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I have a place for everything. The floor.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.