Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.