I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You Might Also Like
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Storm Tropical Storm
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.