Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
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*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I like crazy people until they notice me
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.