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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
He just like my cat fr
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..