She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family