I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”