Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning