My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I occasionally drink every single night.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that