My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Yes, but it was never about money
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I cannot call her anything else now
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”