Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My dress code is business-casualty.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..