Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
You Might Also Like
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
It was worth a shot 😂
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.