It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
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I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine![]()
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