me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I have questions??
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
These 3D printers are insane!
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Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now