me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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