If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Your honor these allegations are
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick