*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
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*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
bias laundering edition
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet