son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
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How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Damn what did I do next
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
What the hell is going on?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people