Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
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“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel