The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*watches the world burn*