I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh