[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
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Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?