So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
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*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.