I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”