My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
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I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!