cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
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Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio