[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened