A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Gross if literal…Liverpool
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.