Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
You Might Also Like
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room