Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
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“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
what
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020