13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets