Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
fourth time’s the charm
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.