Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
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Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.