Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!![]()
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI