Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
You Might Also Like
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
he chose this
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist