Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.