If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
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if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.