If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
me, too, girl. me, too.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really