If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

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[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]


me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays


*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*


Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.


I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.


[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]


I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?


Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.


Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.