If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
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*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why