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I have no passwords left in me
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.