I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
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So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Meow
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.