Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
🍞🦆
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him