If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
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Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
black phone good
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”