If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
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At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
getting corrected
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Ghost costume 😂
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN