Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
my retirement plan is braless
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”