I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
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Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Breaking news:
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Me trying to walk in a dream
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.