I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
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Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir