All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
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WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Steam Forums
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move