All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
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I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
notice
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
step 6: release the wall snake
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.