I was just discussing this with my cat
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Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I don’t get marriage
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.