Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
is it earth
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.